They say, “Write what you know.” Stephen Diller has never been to Peoria, Illinois, judging from his movie, “Peoria Babylon.”

I live near Peoria and work there. This movie ain’t Peoria.

And that’s too bad, actually, because the concept was great!

Unfortunately, the movie plays like a stageplay filmed with a home movie camera. Everything was lit wrong. It reminded me of the 16mm home movies my dad took with this humongous light-bar he didn’t understand and couldn’t control.

It actually would be a decent stageshow. If they corrected the glaring misperceptions. Even tho I was watching it in my living room, I have been to enough dinner theatre that I had this eerie feeling that, at any moment, there would be an intermission and Ann Cusack (yes, sister of John and Joan, et al), who was the main female character, would appear and ask if I wanted weak ice tea or bad coffee with my dinner.

Hard to believe that, two years earlier, Ann was in my all-time favorite movie, “Tank Girl.” Got it in English and Spanish, and two copies of the sound-track.

Ann was a trooper to do well with what she had to work with in “Peoria Babylon.” The rest of the cast appeared to be actors who didn’t have enough busfare to get to a place remote enough to have dinner theatre that stage this performance.

The truly weird thing about this movie is that most of the cast reminded me of someone else. My husband and I agreed that, in several scenes, Ann Cusack looked like a young Terri Garr. The idiot art foe suddenly looks like a young John Goodman when the pink fog appears (don’t ask!).

Then there was who sounded, and even looked a little, like… that guy who played Carla’s ex-husband in “Cheers.” Okay, neither character is memorable.

And speaking of Roul, the biggest crime problem in Peoria is not Italian thugs: it is gangs. Read a newspaper! And the police department DOES handcuff perps when they haul them in.

The young artist looked like…. someone I can’t place.

But I really took exception to Steven Diller’s misperceptions of Peoria. They weren’t even funny. It is NOT true that there is only one art gallery in Peoria. Diller doesn’t have a clue about art in Peoria — or Peoria, for that matter. Guess he has never heard of Preston Jackson. Or the Peoria Art Guild. Or the Contemporary Art Center. See, Steven, Peoria DOES have more than one gallery! Especially if you could the college galleries at Bradley.

And, for the record, the “Peoria Museum” should be Lakeview Museum. It is embarrassing to admit that the current exhibit, opening today, is “Grossology: The (Impolite) Science of the Human Body” and their permanent collection does include duck decoys.

But Lakeview does have a Rodin. Really. They do. It’s not on their website, like the duck decoys, but they really do have a Rodin. Really, Steven, they do!

And everyone knows the Peoria “art scene” is down by the waterfront. How can you film a movie about Peoria and not include the waterfront? Oh, that’s right… it wasn’t filmed in Peoria.

But, back to the movie. I actually liked the actor keeping his entire wardrobe on wardrobe racks! That was fun. Too bad he had a habit of glancing at the camera at odd times. Or was it cue cards. Nah, couldn’t have been cue cards. The dialog wasn’t that complex.

The gay bar scenes were pointless. The first gay bar scene was so confusing — especially when the actors stepped out of character. Cut the scene — not because of the gay bar but because it was so stupidly executed it should have been executed.

Of course, the gay bar scene really served as a vehicle so that Ann Cusack could order cocktails (why in a gay bar, I’m still wondering….). She kept ordering “a cocktail over ice” as if “cocktail” is a generic word in Peoria because we’re so unsophisticated. Actually, it made Ann Cusack look like she is so stupid that SHE doesn’t know the name of a single cocktail.

It was almost funny until the last scene when her partner-in-crime orders a Bloody Mary in the same bar. Why didn’t he order a “cocktail”? The Bloody Mary served no purpose. Consistency, consistency, consistency, Steven!

The final scene was actually quite good. It does make the movie almost worth sitting through to get to that point. Well, except that it is filmed in the basement of an art museum and, once again, the lighting is so glaringly bright that everyone is pale as a ghost.

The final scene could have been a bit longer. Steve, you skimped on the best part of the movie!

Try it again as dinner theatre. Cut the gay bar scene (there are gays in Peoria and it isn’t any funnier here than it is in New York or L.A.). Oh, and, as far as the corn icon in opening frames … ever hear of Herb Eaton? Well, of course not, since you don’t know Peoria. I first discovered Herb when he was in his corn phase. Oh, and he was born in Peoria. His corn art should have been used instead of the clipart!

Joke’s on you, Steven. You really were in Babylon and you really didn’t comprehend the conversation.

Try again, Steve. Thanks Netflix. It was a hoot!